Much of my life I have felt lost or confused.  Many of the paradigms that other people were born into, I have spent my life without.  I have never known a father figure in my life, My sense of family was eroded to nothing by the experiences of my childhood and teen years, I have never known any consistent home life until only just recently...and I'm gay.  

I used to bemoan my 'fate'.  I used to look back and curse my lack and curse the universe, but now I realize that my experiences have opened me to alternative directions, thoughts, feelings, and modes of living that I never would have considered otherwise.  I feel now that since I did not have these preset ways of being, I was allowed to to search out and discover my own way, my own trail.

As far back as I can remember I have been asking Why?  As a child I was rarely satisfied with pat answers or lies when the truth seemed very evident.  This soon got me in trouble.  Eventually I learned to become invisible to survive.  Absorbed in thought I had no need for an exterior world, I spent most of my childhood in imaginary worlds: Books, Comic Books, Saturday morning cartoons, playing Star Wars in the forest near my house, anything that would carry me away to some other realm.

When it came time to learn practical lessons, I stalled, I stumbled, A LOT.  I'm a slow learner in general, but for learning the practical world, I had no template, no measure.  It made no sense to me.  It is only recently that I've come to embrace the practical necessity of certain actions.  I spent the entire decade of my 20's and 30's just learning how to exist in day to day living.  I'll be the first to admit that in my 20's I was largely working against myself.  I naively thought I could resolve my emotional issues while doped to the gills on a variety of drugs.  Silly me.  Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but I probably should have backed off some the substances and focused a bit more.  Like I said, slow learner.  You know though - it all brought me here, and that makes it okay.

Recently I've been trying hard to be more authentic to the internal me and less people pleasing.  Part of that has been a reexamination of my past.  Wait- scratch that - Who am I kidding?  I'm a Capricorn - I'm ALWAYS reexamining my past.  I guess I've finally gotten to a place where the reexamination has begun to yield fruit.  I'm clearing away years of debris and letting myself out of me.  It also helps that as I write this Uranus and Pluto are conjuncting and disrupting just about every level of my I guess to get a Capricorn to change, you have to lure them near the cliff - and PUSH.  Don't go pushing your Capricorns though, leave that to the planetary influences, a pushed Capricorn can be a violently grumpy at the very least.

The Universe has officially pushed me over the cliff and I'm trying desperately to flap my little goat hooves into wings.  I'll let you know how that works out.  I've changed more in the past year and a half than at any point in my life...or maybe this time the change feels just more irrevocable.  There really is no going back for me now.  I better learn to fly or go splat.  I know I'm kind of taking the long way around here, but all I can ask is that you bear with me as I follow the trail.

Jesse Campbell 2011

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