Sunday, June 17, 2012

I will be called a madman because we do not understand what is happening.

Sometimes you get really far out on the tree limb and you aren't sure if it is going to support your weight.  I've been doing a lot of that for the past two years more out of necessity than anything else.  It was either take some chances or wither to death slowly in the life I was leading.  If I am crazy, I'd rather be honest about what is in my heart than cover it up with some fabrication:

I have enormous scary thoughts that threaten to swallow myself and others.

I see people as minefields and make it my job to see through them because I have trust and control issues and am very easily damaged by the wayward words of others.  

I'm afraid of large crowds because it is easy for me to lose my sense of self and therefore lose control of the beast I call "me".

I'd rather shoot myself in the face than watch a talent competition TV show.

I fantasize about the end of the world and mean it.

I believe that the world we live in day to day is only a skin for the actuality of reality.

I believe that the rabbit hole goes all the way down and doesn't end.

If I could live only in the sea of my thoughts forever and ever, I would.

I decided that I would never go to a therapist again when I realized that if you break the word, you get "the rapist"...that and I have trouble with the paradigm of paying someone who makes more money the longer I stay 'crazy'.

I tried to take my life when I was 28 years old and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I distance myself from others because I know what I am and what I am capable of.

I know that I will die alone and I am okay with that.

I wish the world were more like Glee.

German Death Metal makes me happy.

When I want to feel at home, I watch a horror movie.

I understood H.R. Giger's artwork from the moment I first saw it.

I am a man and a homosexual and I will not act effeminate or wear a dress or pretend to be a woman just to make you feel more comfortable about what I am.

I want Cocteau Twins played at my Wedding, Funeral, and everyday.  :-)

I feel unwelcome in christian churches.

When I am depressed I will eat 2 quarts of ice cream or a whole box of ice cream sandwiches until the pain stops.

I miss my dead cat Towanda more than I miss my dead brother. 

I am not a nice person just because I smiled at you.

I am hard inside, but I try to be fair because I feel that life is ceaselessly unfair.

People are fragile creatures and we should all be nicer to each other, because nurture may be the only difference between friendly and serial killer.  Be nice to strangers ya'll.

I no longer care if I am crazy.

I tell you this laundry list of things and I've told you nothing about myself, and there is still a longer list of things left unsaid.  There is even no guarantee that what I've told you will even register as the honesty I intend.  Intention does not often gauge the timber of truth and more often impedes it.  Truth will find its own home in its own time. 

It funny when you get seriously honest.  People look at you like you've just taken your skin off, and in essence, you have.  All the assumptions and lies get peeled away and here is this weird OTHER creature they do not know and cannot predict.  I have to do it on purpose occasionally to keep myself sane.  The Ego always grows back, so you have to stay on top of it, like laundry or dish washing. So I guess it is time again.

It is hard to embrace the idea that all my communications are for naught, that in the echo of emptiness, I may indeed only be a madman.  I obsessively record things and I've kept a lot of journals...so I'm either mad...or just fastidious.  :-)  It's okay though.  People tend to leave you to your own devices if they think you're crazy.  No one wants to be near crazy, because whatever it is, it might be contagious.  Add naked to that and no one will even look at you.  So if I ever need to do something unimpeded, naked and crazy it is.  Watch for it.  :-)

Recommended Listening:
Jocelyn Pook
Upon This Rock
from Untold Things

{Digital Images manipulated in Adobe Photoshop}

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's easy to be nice to strangers. It doesn't take any commitment or understanding.

Vincent said...

Interesting laundry list and I wouldn't worry about being hard or a madman. You make an effort to be kind and decent and, like you said, that's the crucial difference. Bruce Lee would also agree. From Tao of Jeet Kune Do:

"We ought to beware of people who do not think it necessary to pretend that they are good and decent. Lack of hypocrisy in such things hints at a capacity for a more depraved ruthlessness."

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